March 4, 2013

• She had a fight with mom and, once we were the only ones in the room, she turned on me and finally told me she hates me and the only reason she is glad I'm getting married is because then I'll be gone. Little monster. I got mean with her, I suppose, and made her cry...but I won't be spoken to like that, even if mom and dad let her get away with it. I cannot think of a single time in our lives where I've been bad to her in any way without her first doing something unnecessary and awful to me. I'm done with her being this way...it genuinely tires me to think of it continuing, and, you know? I hope she is glad when I'm gone. Then we won't have any reason at all to go through this nonsense ever again.

  Then there was work.
  I keep going back to a conversation that happened months ago, where one of the managers was arguing with senior leadership about how it didn't matter if the company says we're not allowed to be friends, because our management team is all together all the time, so who else are we going to be friends with? She didn't have an answer to that. I feel like being friends with people is unavoidable when you start having conversations like this...

  *Luke steps into my cubby-office*
  Luke: Aaaaaagh!
  Me: Tell me about it.
  Luke: That's what it's like out there right now. *starts looking all over for something*
  Me: That sounds terrible. What are you looking for?
  Luke: *pause* Solace.
  Me: *pats his arm* There, there.
  Luke: Weak. I'm surprised you can even lift your hand now that it's weighted down like that.
  Me: You're lucky. If it wasn't weighted down, I'd've hit you a lot harder.

  And Abbie and Qaman are trying to persuade me that they could be bridesmaids, and want to help me come up with ideas and things...I don't know about some of their ideas, but they made me laugh more than anything else so far this past week. :P
  I was pretty tickled that they even remembered I am a Goth. I forgot, I guess, how people tend to react to that information...I was playing my ipod in the little checkout office and one busser asked if that was my music, because it sounded like Satan was trying to talk to her, and a server started repeating all the words to one song before launching into a contemplatiuon of whether or not fallen angels would cry, and then announcing that, by the way, my hair smelled really good, given that I was trapped in that tiny room with no air circulation. (Wolf thought: wtf...how are you close enough to me to smell my hair?)

  With all the nonsense going on around me at work, it's a miracle that I ever get anything done.

  A few days ago, Jester and I went out with both sets of our parents, and I felt that went really well. I was glad. Am.
  I appreciated that they all came out to see each other, given that both sets of parents had to be strong-armed into going in the first place...foolishness. Who doesn't like going out with family? (except maybe that girl who hates me and said we weren't family to begin with)

  Hopefully this goodwill will continue. I will be sorry to see what happens if anyone else gets out-of-control and says the kinds of things to me that my sibling said. And part of it isn't even because it would hurt me. No. It's more to do with the dark-voiced creature who can sometimes still think rationally enough to come up with the kinds of responses that make people weep and wish they had never said anything to me at all. I don't want to see myself behave that way, since I ultimately end up doing more damage than whoever got me started. I almost feel the need to enlist someone specifically for the purpose of keeping me from saying things when I get angry.

  • 3:10 am
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