Work friend not in as much trouble after all. Good.

Best friend having fun on her ten-day visit with her family. Good.

Find knife stuck in wall at work. Wtf.

Boyfriend in car accident....
Bad.

He's not hurt...just a little shaken and bruised...but still. He deserves to have something good happen to him instead of one crappy thing after another.
So...if you are a person who prays or likes to cheer people up, pop by his xanga and say hello. I know kind words won't fix all the problems...but if it were me...I know I might feel at least the tiniest bit better.

More evidence:

You know when you are driving or riding in the car, and the sky is getting dim and you look out the front window and there are not trees or buildings to block the view and it goes on and on, and there are clouds that are low enough and dark enough that you are tricked for a minute into thinking that they are distant hills and you wonder when you will get there (by this time you are realising your mistake) and what it will be like on the other side?

I still think about that sometimes. It still fools me every now and then. And I think if only that really was a place you could go to. Except I feel an idiot thinking that. And I have never said a word about it to anyone because, pretty as the idea was in my mind, it always sounded dumb to me, even when I was a kid. And now, what? There isn't anybody to say things like that to. Nobody I know would want to go someplace like that.

I regret already that I will post this, and all it will do is serve to make me feel sad.

I must be crazy.

I was thinking off and on that it would be nice to go back, not to when I used to often imagine going back to, but to when it was awful. I want to go back to when it was awful. I'd go back and be in that windowless, underground classroom and sit with my head on my arms and I would be listening to these songs and feeling like the ache in my chest would probably kill me and my muscles would all hurt because I was always so cold and so exhausted that, after a while, I would start shaking and couldn't stop, so I would tense up bit by bit to try and subdue it. And I could not. And then I would go next door and key in my code for the radio studio (which I still know), and spend the next four hours in that dim, musty room, playing Goth tracks and watching the lava lamp. Or reading Shakespeare and critical essays on Farewell to Arms when I was behind. And on the worst days I would leave a voicemail and the ink would run on my writing paper.
At least it was better than when I couldn't cope anymore and came in early to show I was there, loaded the cues, and pretended to sleep at the lightboard until it was actually time for show setup, just because I wanted to be around people and couldn't bear the idea of interacting with them. They knew I wasn't really a theatre person, but they were kind to me and that's really all I cared about.

And I feel now and then like it would be nice to go back.

I guess I have always been crazy.

Imagine taking a personality test.

And your result plots right near the center of the chart. Except...a hair lower...and a hair to the left, in a section marked "undifferentiated".

Your personality is undifferentiated.
Awesome.

I suppose that's where the circular feeling of being myself and the wolf comes in. Not differentiated.

For a little while, I thought again about tears, and how we despise them. I don't as fiercely as I did, but that's because I don't much think about it anymore. But when I do, I can feel my face reset in a snarl...I would fight the sad things. I'd kill them, if I could, but it doesn't work that way. I don't think it works anything like that. But...I always feel like I would fight them. Like being angry could save me. Anyone.

I felt sad for her earlier, when we talked. I don't want her to be upset...but it's hard for me to look at it that way when I feel and always felt like it would be a good thing for her to be without him. And I feel sad that I felt like that. And I hate it.

And I felt sad for him when I sat there so long with my hand on the back of his neck, and wondered why nobody ever believes that they are worth anything. It isn't true. And I hate that, too.

I used to feel it in my face. And I would cry for people.
I don't do much of that anymore. I just feel in my chest the flicker of useless rage at all these things that I can't fix or drive away or change in any degree that would mean something to these people whom I care so much for.

I feel so ineffectual...

I'll take an undifferentiated personality any day, if I could just make something happen.

I feel very meh.

Of course...it also got warm today, and I tried not to know it, but as soon as I went outside, that other me had me by the shoulders and was like "OMYGOSH! CAN WE GO SOMEWHERE? CANWECANWECANWE?" and dancing around because he is like our dogs when they hear the word "walk".

I told him we could go somewhere in May. Maybe.

And we thought about NZ, and how irritable I feel, knowing I need to make a phone call tomorrow. I don't mean to feel irritable about it...I just am. Because...crazy bit of info about me...I am a fan of the idea that if it isn't fine, not saying that it is. I can tell when you lie to me about that, you know. And I feel bad, but...ugh. Makes me want to break things, thinking about all the times I said that and how sad I felt when you just took my word for it. I like you too much to let you do what I would do when I know I can stop you (by doing what you didn't do, of course...but it's okay. I'm not holding a grudge.).

I can't stand the idea of trying to make the town burn tonight. I am so, so agonizingly close...right in the square...but I write so, so slowly. It's beyond frustrating.

Well, I have written about 325 words today. In edit/add detail mode.
I'm frustrated though. Wulfhere is turning out to be much more reluctant than I was expecting. I really don't want to break out the unicorn magic, but...I put the torch in his hand and he won't light it. And I sent him into the town and what does he do? Fret about doing the wrong thing. It's really not what I expected...

1--Are you moody in the morning?
I try and avoid them whenever possible. I used to just feel tired in the mornings because I wouldn't go to bed until late...but anymore, my two problems with the morning are that breakfast things seem to make me feel ill, and that I am now so unused to the way light looks in the morning that it seems wrong. Fake, somehow. It's kind of creepy.

2--Have you ever behaved like a stalker?
Nope.

3--Do you appreciate other people's opinions?
Oh yes, they are very valuable. Once I know your opinion, I know better how to behave towards you.

4--Does baby corn freak you out?
It freaks me out when people say they don't like it. And then I realise...hey, more for me!

5--Can you lie and keep a straight face?
I can only assume so, as nobody has ever said to my face that they know I lied about anything.

6--Have you ever feared for somebody else's life?
Yes.

7--Do you prefer honesty, even when it hurts?
Does anyone actually prefer lies?

8--Have you ever consulted a psychic?
I ask myself lots of questions. For all the good that does.

9--If yes, do you consider yourself a moron?
No. I wouldn't ask things of myself if I thought so.

10--Does the opposite sex's BO turn you on?
No. No indeed.

11--Have you ever stayed in a relationship out of habit?
Didn't I just say I didn't consider myself a moron?

12--Have you ever deliberately not told someone that they had something in their teeth?
Nope. I'd have to say I usually don't notice...in fact...I don't think I can remember any times when I have noticed such a thing.

13--If you could pick your own pet name, what would it be?
Already done.

14--How do you feel when someone takes the last of something?
If I wanted it and they knew...pretty darn mad!

15--How do you feel when people tell you "Bless you" or "gesundheit" when you sneeze?
Noticed. I feel noticed.

16--What are you supposed to say when somebody coughs?
If it's a bad cough...one could always resort to asking if they're okay.

17--Do you care what's going on in the world?
To be honest? I don't have the capacity to care about most of it.

18--Do you pronounce a second "R" in "sherbet" or an "R" in wash?
I never say the first word, and wash does not have an r in it.

19--Do you throw temper tantrums?
I wouldn't consider it that. But I'm sure it seems that way to some.

20--Have you ever committed a violent crime because of a video game or rap song?
Have I ever committed a violent crime?

21--Have you ever actually overheard one of your friends talking shit about you?
That would be difficult indeed.

22--Do you believe that wearing an aluminum foil hat will stop the government from reading your thoughts?
Of course not. That's what occlumency is for.

23--Would you rather have a hook for a hand or a peg leg?
Peg leg. And now I am thinking about ticking crocodiles...

24--How close does someone have to be for you to feel obligated to wait and hold the door for them?
Quite close. But usually I open the door as wide as possible so that it shuts slowly and miht still be open when the next person reaches it.

25--Do you give "breaks" to people who don't deserve them? (i.e. are you a sucker?)
I am not a sucker. I have limits...but I do like to try and be kind.

26--Honestly, do you think you're better than everyone?
No. But I don't think there are a lot of people who are genuinely better than me, either.

27--What do you take to a pot luck?
An appetite.

28--How do you know when you are an adult?
You start thinking about time differently.

I didn't feel any particular way, and I'd like to say I don't, but I do.

I was going to use this time for writing. And what of it? I will still do that. And maybe now I can even burn this town while they sleep. I almost didn't want to, but then there was you and there was my guilty conscience, thinking you meant for me to see you being lonely...I know you knew I would. That's not paranoia. That's just truth. But you can't mean that, can you? Not at me. The idea of it makes me feel like burning down sleeping towns.

I cannot even bring myself to tell how wronged I feel about seeing that and thinking it was for me. Or about how wrong the words it isn't fair! ring in his hot as ashes voice.

On the bright side, I read a very good story today. The main character was supposedly a fire god, but that is a lie. I know who he is. A liar.

Today was a day where you step on your shoelace and think it's come untied, so you nonchalantly ask someone if they will tie your shoe, but after they stop what they're doing and come aaaaaall the way over to you and go to tie your shoe...it's not untied after all. And then a third person comes up with a question mark on their face, and you struggle briefly to explain the situation...and wind up having your shoe untied so that it can be retied.

And later, a song is made up about tying your shoes.

Bah.  >:(

Feel sickish. Feel angry on behalf of someone who feels worthless. Feel tired. Feel like I should've tried to write last night. Feel frustrated that I keep getting set back in all of this...

Yesterday, someone told me in shocked tones that I'm "such a pessimist!"
Today, another one told me that I should "stop being so self-depreciating."

Hmph. You'd think they only just met me.

I suppose being complimented on how you look is supposed to make you feel better. But it doesn't. That isn't what matters to me right now. I don't think anyone could say enough words to make me feel better about that.

Writing more about Wulfhere and Ethelred the Black. I would like to have a conversation about were-creatures with someone who actually knows a little about shape-shifters in folk tales and NOT just in movies and pop culture...I just want to have an idea as to whether or not something I've been thinking about makes sense...

In other news, I think I learned something about a character that I didn't even know I had thought enough about to learn anything. Exciting stuff.

Almost makes my feeling super-depressed bearable.