So...I was feeling nostalgic and obsessive-compulsive all at once, and decided that this year, I would look back at my old postings and see if anything there is worth re-sharing with everyone. I intend to do this once a month...make up a post with excerpts from my very old entries.

You never know. It might be amusing, since nobody who reads my posts now knew me when I started on Xanga.
And...after I went back through all those old posts, I even think this could be a two-part thing. Woot.

2005:
1/30
Friday we had a substitute teacher and he taught us to kill people with dull pencils. He taught us how to hold it and stab it into someone’s neck… In science, we had a lot of fun Friday because Breanna was trying to steal my giant paperclip again and wear it… but I am the Lord of the paperclip, so it will always return to its master. *wink*

(I was 17 there...and already it sounds like me.)

2006:
1/27
But, more than that I can’t stand the Rime of the Ancient Mariner. It’s like (if you’ve seen the movies) something along the lines of “James & the Giant Peach meets Pirates of the Caribbean”.

(I was really stupid in my freshman year of college. Rime of the Ancient Mariner is definitely not like those movies.)

2007:
1/24
To begin with, I will again explain how the name “Reeser the Shadow” came about. Mostly it came from my involvement with the Five Iron Frenzy chat room that I found through their old website. I had a good deal of fun talking to the other kids and fans that used to frequent the chat.  Some that I remember in particular were Brody, Zooks, Nomes, Kimmah, Sock, and Russcat. I did not have a cool name though, so I had to come up with one. I wasn’t very original though and decided that, since the chat was specifically about Five Iron Frenzy, I would just borrow the name of their vocalist. I added a letter though, so instead of “Reese”, I became “Reeser”. I had just started Spanish classes at the time and I thought my new screen name looked like a verb… but I never could come up with what a Reeser would do, but that’s okay because I really didn’t know what I was doing anyway.

(And the rest is history.)

2008:
1/9
I woke up a few other times last night because I was having some really strange dreams… like that my sister was breaking exhibits at a science museum… or that there were a bunch of safety pins stuck through my lower lip… ugh… *shudder*

1/13
Then, I dreamed that there was this flying, black giant squid that had a huge glowing blue eye… maybe it was part spaceship? And it was going to attack earth along with this army of evil… things… that were all riding skeleton-looking camels. It was pretty messed up.

(Sometimes I wish I were a real artist, so I could show people these things I dream. Maybe not the lip full of pins, but the squidship? Yes.)

1/17
You know, I’m not even really allowed to kill my character in my creative writing class. I guess it doesn’t make for a good plot device in a short story unless you’re “really good” at short stories already.
So… since I can’t kill him, I guess I can just make him sulk. Not sure what the action of the story will be yet, but I assure you—there will be sulking.

1/27
Chris read my story yesterday before the concert and he said that the girl in the story was a tramp. I laughed quite a bit at that. I hope none of my classmates says that in class because I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep from laughing and giving myself away as the author.

(Yeah. Still an idiot.)

1/28
Last night I had this really strange dream that my dad took me to a circus to meet one of my old friends for lunch. Apparently the huge tent was really a restaurant… but there were still a lot of animals. I couldn’t find my friend, so instead I was wandering around through the huge zebras—they were about the size of Clydesdales—and little animals in cages…

I don’t know what prompted me to do it, but I decided in my dream that I was going to spit… and somehow, I ended up sitting up in my bed and spitting. I kind of woke up and tried to stop myself, but I didn’t and I spit out this big gob of drool on my quilt… what an idiot.

I usually don’t actually act out anything in my dreams or talk in my sleep or anything crazy like that so it really surprised me. I just sat there for a bit and thought “wow, I really just did that”.

Idiocy and weird dreams and how I made my internet name.
I really don't change much.

Cheers.

Too many things.

He knows we are being discussed...keep twitching our ears because we can almost hear it...it's like a gnat, really...
And it's all interest and anticipation...and irritation at the knowing and horror because what does one even say? And then there is that face, sad and white, and the wishing she had not called me when I was at work after I said I would do all the listening it was possible to do. Of course it wasn't possible when it was needed.

...and the light and the darkness and the hint of fangs when those lines come across, and my shaking my head that I ever found that song and the photo of me with the Thwomp for a face and the number of times now that we find each other for the purpose of making marks or just standing together and the sleep I am not getting anymore and the sleep I wish I got and the smell on my clothes and the completely different one on my coat.

The gift I just sent and the lines I never wrote because now I do not have to and the dog...the little dog.

Too many.

I need to talk to K.
It's stupid how I think that will help me.

I saw magic today.

You ever see magic?
I didn't mean to. It was just...all that grey and the backing of gold and the twing like the sound of a harpsichord or like the late afternoon shining on the water. And...I couldn't breathe or look away and I hope I never forget looking and burning my eyes out.

Honestly, you'd think I'd never seen the sun before.

Right now I am drinking tea and hoping I will stop burping and tasting uncoated ibuprofen. (I told him I did what he said he'd do and took all the pills...so he sent me home. And then promptly kept talking to me so I wouldn't leave.)

I tried to make a post about my 2012...but I don't even know what to say. All of the most important things were in my mind, or of the sort that aren't possible to relate in so many words. But here is this. I read it and even I thought I sound like a crazy person.

Never will I be able to understand.

The awfulness of knowing is something I can't get used to. As exciting as it is--because when you are a creature whose eyes glow and who feels warm even in the bitter winds, it is exciting to know things and feel warm--it makes me feel so angry because I can't believe it.

I wasn't even thinking about it...I was thinking about how our eyes do not glow. Maybe because I see by the same light he does...never have to shine any on him to see the yellow-grey irises, and bits of ice caught in his coat, which is now the mahogany of a pine marten and like nothing any wolf has ever worn. But...when we heard the words, we looked at ourself and didn't even need to say anything. We don't need to now. He just turns away with yellow eyes sparkling, and I know I am laughing at myself for trying so hard to not believe what we knew. It's a harsh, quiet laugh though. There's nothing funny about it. There's just what is--exciting and warm, but still...there's the harshness that I wouldn't feel if I weren't a creature that feels defensive.

I hate it when people make allusions to themselves as wild animals...the idea that this shows them as free or individualistic is outright stupid to me. I never mean it that way when I talk about myself. Never.

It's because I got all messed up and angry...and now I have a constant low-key watchfulness in the back of my mind. The idea that I have to keep my eyes open for anything that might get me...
Somehow, I guess that makes me know things. My Wolf is two steps ahead of me, and I don't like to see him there because I don't know if I trust myself, either.

I talked to Melody today, too. For over four hours.
I was satisfied that I told her something another friend of hers had already said about that awful individual who booted her out of his house...I am pleased to know that this isn't just something I made up and said to myself to make me feel better about it all. Although I am upset with myself. I think maybe I wouldn't have noticed it if I wasn't so caught up in my own awful point-of-view...trying to stop myself all this time. It's stupid. But I saw it. I even asked if I could make a conjecture about what had happened, because it felt stupid to say it...but her other friends have also seen it, and as we talked about it she agreed that it made sense...

People who are in love with the idea of themselves as heroes are wildly out of touch with reality when they rid themselves of their families and friends to chase that fantasy. That is more monstrous than even my worst inclinations.

I felt ashamed of myself for thinking that way. Being judgmental. I've tried and tried so hard to grow up and grow out of my own self-characterization and I can't. But I did feel good when she started to pass it off as like all the things people are saying who never liked him to begin with, and I told her in the voice I always use when we talk, that it wasn't what I meant...I never wanted anything bad to happen. I just wanted her to be happy. I would endure him being awful for as long as I had to if it made her happy.

She said he was being stupid and mopey one day before she left, and said everyone she knew would probably hate him now...and she told him he was being dumb, and to her knowledge, nobody has said anything at all to him about it...I told her I should've sent him rude messages about how much I hated him so that he could feel vindicated in his feeling of being so disliked. May have incorporated the idiocy of his taking me to the firing range. She laughed a lot at that. (I feel bad because a little dark part of me really has always hated him. But she knows that too, it turns out.)

I'm glad she believes, as I do, that people typically change by slow degrees rather than sweeping and violent suddenness like he tried to tell her was the case. Sure, that can happen...but usually not. We talked a little bit about ourselves being that way. She is more shrewd than she was when she played a sweet hobbit-girl, and I am more harsh than I ever dreamed I could be as a ridiculous elf...but I feel after talking today that we are still the same people who found each other all that time ago. (Although I finally told her that I think the only reason we ever started talking was because I thought I knew her from someplace else...which I admitted sounded stupid even as I said it. She laughed and said I'm crazy. Maybe I am.)

It was good to hear my name again when it wasn't necessary.
I feel like I have my friend back.

(oh...btw...I have been on Xanga for 8 years now. *party hats and streamers*)

Stupid stupidness.

Got to work and had to park on the ramp up to the top level of the garage...and of COURSE, when I finally get to leave at 330 (after the other supervisor left at 220ish, and I'd been told at 115 that I would get to leave soon...riiiight) I go out and find that my car is just slightly not under the roof...like, the line of snow started two steps away from my car, aaaaaaand the whole thing is covered in snow.

*sigh*
Scrape off car. Start sliding immediately after leaving the garage. Snow on coat and shoes starts melting. Very soggy. Drive about 30-45 mph all the way home, so that a 25 min trip becomes 45 min. In soggy clothes.

Arrive home in time to drive past idiot neighbors' house where they are sitting in their garage, smoking (at 415am, no less), and see one of them slip and fall flat on his back in the driveway. Ha. Hahahahaha.

Cheers.

I feel extra loserly.

I felt tired when I woke up, spent all day at work being frustrated about stupid paperwork tedium, and occasionally being summoned downstairs to run drinks since so many people didn't show up today and Les Miz was killing us...then I came home early (by that, I mean 130am) because I started feeling feverish and ill, and I decided I would have a cup of mint tea and see if it made me feel better. And then I had a second cup.

And in the mean time, I spent an hour reading a few hundred pages worth of saved role-playing stuff from back when I was in high school.

It's so weird...K isn't in any of it that I've looked through, and Melody? The only times I found her were one time when we were at a Prancing-Pony type inn and she and another girl were talking to Melody's (real) sister and having a cry over some stupid boy in our group...and I think I was dueling someone over spilled hot chocolate.......and one other time when Aragorn (the guy who played him used to date Melody's sister...maybe she was crying over him? can't recall.) crashed a party that the hobbit characters had thrown to cheer everyone up...and things quickly devolved into the two of us threatening to fight to the death over something that had happened in a previous day's rp...

It's just weird to me that I can't find my two best friends in the very place I met them. Like...how did I get talking to them then? I can't even remember.

And I'm kind of shocked to see that I'm not friends with another girl from our group...maybe I assumed it would just be too awkward? I don't remember. I don't know if I just incredibly dense and didn't see it at the time, but she had a crush on me. x_x

Maybe I did know and just thought it would be too weird to try and be friends with her because of that. It seems likely. I just can't remember...it's so frustrating to not remember things, even insignificant-seeming bits about near strangers that I knew only as their character names...

I wonder sometimes if any of them remember me. And then I think it's a stupid thing to wonder about.

Is it?

Hello xangaworld.

So. Christmas happened. I had a very enjoyable day of not working, so hurrah, since, you know...I worked the last two Christmasses.

I don't think I gave any terribly lame gifts this year, so yay on that as well...I got smiles and laughter from Jester's younger sister, whom he says doesn't smile much, so I'll count that as a win, too. Glad I got to spend a decent amuont of time with both our families this year.

Good day all around...good food, pets behaved (mostly)...I even think everyone got along.

The only thing I felt bad about was Melody. I wish I had called her or something, since she ended up spending today alone.
But I will call her on my next day off. And every day after that until we have a chance to talk again. So frustrating that she's so far away.  -_-

And may it be noted that I was also mobbed by unicorns. Lots of them.

Happy Christmas. I got bored at work...so I thought I'd share my art projects with you.

And the song we listened to for 4+ hours.

:D

Slept many hours between my last post and work today. Still felt tired.

Didn't leave the theatre until about 345, and we could've been out of there earlier...but after 3, I think we stopped caring. And made milkshakes. And I was roared at and had a plastic Sting waved in my face...some kid left it at the theatre...it glows and makes a woosh-INK! sound when you swing it. All I had to retaliate with was a teeny glow-stick some server stuck in my pocket (but it's okay...being a monster, my roaring is more impressive. probably why I am having swaords brandished at me). Overall, not conducive to me filling out reporting spreadsheets.

We talked about how people sound when they talk, and Qaman was doing ridiculous impressions of how people sound when he stops caring...the impression of me was ludicrously low, but Abbie says that she can kind of get it. She says, "but your voice is high...while being low." Supposedly it made sense in her head. I has the doubts. :P

Ugh. What else?
I was thinking about something that didn't make sense...can't think now about what it was...

OH! Right. Smart phones.

So, I was thinking about upgrading to a smartphone next month, but I was curious about these phones. I've noticed a lot of them have passwords, and it kind of makes me wonder if it's possible to dial an emergency number on a smartphone without putting in a password. Because what if I am in a situation where I'm disoriented and can't think of my password, but know I should dial 911? Or what if someone has a medical emergency, and the only phone available is their password protected smartphone? How can I help them without having their password?

I mean...I might not even be thinking about this if I hadn't called 911 twice since fall...once for the cows running around the neighborhood, and the other time for the van driving on the wrong side of the highway at 3am...but I wonder a lot about it now. Or...heaven forbid...what if the theatre has an emergency like they did in Denver, or like the fire we had two springs ago, and I find myself in the absurd situation of not having my phone handy, but having access to someone's phone they left charging in the office?

I know this sounds like an excuse to use other people's phones...but I'm being serious. I want to know I'd still be able to reach emergency services in those situations. Because I'm paranoid. Really, really paranoid...

So yeah. Cheers.

Ate half a box of granola bars. Realised there are 2 days left to Christmas. And also that after sleeping 3.5 hours, then waking up at 630 and still being awake is not the best thing ever.

It's hard to move now. Like...I feel like I have to really will myself to move. Or think. That I'm writing this is pretty astonishing. To me. But I think in this state I am probably easily astonished.

K already wrote back--also astonishing--and I don't know if I should be more relieved or more worried. She didn't tell me off for being foolish...so maybe that is all in my mind. But she did tell me she felt the same way about the movie...upset about it. I'm more than surprised. It seems like such a silly thing...and eleven years is such a long time ago...

They don't call them formative years for nothing, do they?
I mean, that was where I learned all my habits that make people say unnerving things to me, like that he and I are "practically the same person".

*sigh*
Well, I should sleep now. I can't stand to keep moving my fingers any longer.
Maybe I will have more trippy dreams to write about tomorrow. Those are usually interesting.

Especially since my dreams lately are more sensory inclusive, it seems...I was given a hug in my dream yesterday, which is not such a big deal because it was a dull dream...but I could feel this hug. Could feel the person's bones the way you do in a real hug. It was peculiar. If I start having the dreams about people trying to crucify me or sacrifice my dog to demonic locomotives, or about the girl with the rotted face...the idea of having any sensory details in my dreams gets a lot scarier.

Yeah. This is a boring post. It's hard to be interesting when you didn't sleep. But...check out the posts with the dream tags. There are some interesting things in there...