April 27, 2013
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As much as it annoys me sometimes...I can't ever claim that work is never interesting.
I walked in with a look on my face that I wasn't really thinking about, and I guess it freaked Qaman out because he started wailing about how I wasn't allowed to be so full of chagrin. Except...I always am? I reminded him as much and he tried to explain it to me, that "it's different from your usual take-over-the-world malice...it's scary when you get angry".
Oh. Um.
Yeah.
You know the difference between the semi-staged conversations you have with people, where your words are extra-theatrical for no reason in particular, and the more natural conversations that you have all the time with people you know? I wonder a lot what the persona is that I've created for myself, since people say stuff like to me in natural-talk mode. Maybe I went too far?
I wasn't mad though. All I can guess is that it was another one of those instances where people can see my Wolf. They don't know my description of that me, but they do see him sometimes...And then in my email box, I had a note from a manager who annoys me frequently...I will need to look back at it again and determine if someone put this person up to writing me a kind note, but I feel put-off by it. I am not placated by a kind note that is very probably the product of being guilt-tripped by people who could've written the same thing and meant it.
Then, the cherry on the top of my work day...staff members coming to hide in my office and have a cry.
And then fill out the bi-annual staff survey and give us some good marks solely because of me. Because I am always there to listen.I always feel terribly empty when people say things like that. I want to believe they have someone else who is there for them to listen and be kind to them...but I live in perpetual terror of that little whisper in the back of my mind, asking me what if there is nobody?
As malicious as I might feel sometimes, and as untrusting as I might be of some people's intentions...none of that is as important to me as keeping everyone I can from feeling like there is nobody at all. And now I won't be able to sleep for thinking about it.
