April 13, 2013
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I feel very sorry.
He got out today. I didn't mean for that to happen. We haven't been in each other's way much for a while now...but then...he just got out and I don't know what happened.
I've gotten so in control of my temper compared to maybe twoish years ago when it was unacceptably short (by my standards, anyway...I have high standards). I wasn't expecting the smudge of grumpyness I woke up with to keep billowing and blackening and to bare our teeth at the world.
I tried to make it a smile, but a lot of them knew anyway and did what he tried to do before...try to tell me it's okay...but they didn't look sad at me, and instead got these wide-eyed looks, and the way they put their hands up looked like it could be to get me to hold up, or to block me in case I suddenly set upon them...
I wish I didn't feel like that's how it looked. And I feel bad that they like me enough that they know the difference between me smiling (even the fake ones), and me showing my teeth and trying to make it look like smiling. I was trying very hard. I feel abashed...I had no right to let them see him.I am lucky though. I spent almost all the day notating paperwork, filing things, compiling lists of tasks the managers need to complete asap...I scarcely had to see anyone...it just had to happen that the one time I was requested to come out of that, it was for a reason that left me blind and shaking with rage.
Ridiculous.
You'd think I said that to be theatrical. Because I read it somewhere, maybe. You know by now how much I read and how impressionable I've confessed myself to be.
That's not it at all.
I used to think some things said in books were absurd: people do not behave that way; nobody who has lived has felt like that, etc.But I don't think that anymore.
It's not right. It's not at all right that I should be sent on my one idiotic errand of the day, and to do it I have to trail my hand on the wall and walk slow down the stairs because I've gotten so worked up that my vision is blurring and swimming between full-colour life and white-hot emptiness.
I have been listening to music for a little bit to see if I could feel calm...I feel a bit better...very tense...I should probably sleep soon.
On the bright side...
My favourite band will have a new album out in two weeks.
*excited!*I don't get excited about much.
