April 7, 2013
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what it was is surprise. i didn't have to answer the questions again.
(all i wanted was to sound intelligent)
Who ever says "aaw, shucks"? Who these days says that?
Not that I wasn't pleased. It was terribly endearing. I will forgive that and even the week it took to get a response.Do I sound sincere? ever? do i ever sound like truth? because i don't to me. not anymore. i can't tell what from what. and i tried to explain it to her, that i was working ever-so-hard to not do any of those over-the-top expressions. just for a day. just to see what it was like to be honest again. i could not do it.
it makes me a little sad. i want to stop. sometimes i don't think i have it in me to keep it up. and sometimes i just feel sick at myself for making such a show that i don't even know how i really feel anymore...but they love it. it's like his "aaw shucks". nobody does what i do. but i see them trying. I see things they do because they have picked it up from me and it seems to make them happier. Just the tiniest bit. And that's alright. I feel alright about that. And then I see I can not stop myself. Because then I would make them sad. And I would go back to being utterly paranoid.(paranoid? remember what that was like? huh. but i do still hallucinate. cant sleep anymore. just stay awake and awake and don't feel tired and only try to fall asleep because i have to and if i don't, i will continue to see the little black things vanishing and darting through the edges of my eyesight, and the dark, crouched figures like the one who i dreamt was at the foot of my bed and who looked oh-so-like the me who is Wolf)
He told me to meet up with him so I could get additional training. That sounds hopeful. It does. But I don't trust him. I don't trust him because there is that other me who, while I am making calculations and notes and stapling things and scrapping things...that other creature is watching with those yellow-grey eyes that observe and store away so much information that I know will be useful to me later, making his own calculations and notes...
But how is it useful to me just to know I cannot trust this person?
Not that I use all my powers of observation to, you know. Draw useful conclusions.
I have observed her for eleven years. I know all about flakiness. I know I do. I do know that. But when she says to me without preamble that I will do this or that (with an exclamation mark, no less!), I believe her. The idea that I still feel overwhelmingly that I will do anything she says is, what? Terrifying? Embarrassing? Yes to all.I hate to hear the birds chirruping at 330AM when I leave work. It's the most depressing sound in the universe.
My new favourite remark to insert into arguments conversations where someone else is utterly wrong and is getting all spitting-cat mad and foolish: Are you speaking emotionally or rationally?
I was walking briskly and heard a splotch of conversation where a server was telling another server that someone was rude and mad. As I passed them, I announced that I was rude and mad (the other kind) and they laughed and said that my rudeness was funny. Oh? So I am rude? Does being funny make it okay?
Man, I don't know who I am half the time anymore.
And my dog and I. We walked today and it was perfect. It felt cool and not windy or bright and everything was so nice...it was probably the best-spent hour of my day.
